A Month Since We Said Goodbye

I think we are both surprised it has been a month already since we said goodbye to our Peanut. For me at least it feels like yesterday. While the day to day is easier now and I feel like I can function normally now, it still hits me several times a day that I am not pregnant anymore, the baby we had wanted for a long time is gone. We fought as hard as we could to keep Peanut, but she (I think it was a girl) was sick and had to leave us.

I want to thank all our family and friends who helped out while I was on bed rest and for all the calls and emails of concern and for the words of comfort and cards of comfort that we were given when we lost Peanut. I didn't talk to many people at the time, I let Matt handle it because I couldn't, but I want everyone to know how much your words helped, we both appreciate it very much.

For those that don't know, the baby was buried at All Saints Cemetery here in Des Plaines. It is a service the hospital offers in cases of loss before 20 weeks. We won't ever know the exact plot where our Peanut is, since they do a group at a time (That sounds bad, but that is what they do). We haven't been over there yet, I don't know if we will ever, I drove by there the other day and I felt sick the rest of the day so I don't think I am ready.

Still we feel the need to remember our dear little Peanut she was so much apart of our lives already. I now wear another birthstone baby around my neck, but this one has angle wings to represent our angle in heaven.

I was in Hallmark and came across a Willow Tree figure, a unisex faceless child holding a balloon that says Miss You. I new I had to get it and put it with our other Willow Tree figure that I had gotten for Matt the day we brought Logan home from the NICU. Peanut will always be apart of our family and looking over us from Heaven and will be forever missed.

So here we are a month after the worst day of both of our lives, getting better, finally starting to look to the future as scary is that is for both of us, we don't ever want to go through what we did last month ever, ever again. I will have some tests run in a couple of months to check my hormone levels and depending on what we find out we will hopefully try again in the near future, but we will never forget our little fighter.

If you want to enjoy the rainbow, be prepared to endure the storm.

~Warren Wiersbe